Dirty Old Men Getting Old… Jokes

Author: kwaddell | Filed under: Site Information Wednesday Jul 30,2008

Subject: Dirty Old Men Getting Old….

Get the PDF Version to Send to all your Friends and Family at:

Old Men Jokes.pdf

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.’

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An elderly gentleman… Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of new hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet… I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

 

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

————————————————————–

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

————————————————————–

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

 

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman

already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

————————————————————–

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream * I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment… ‘Where’s my toast ?’

————————————————————–

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

————————————————————–

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’

 

Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’

————————————————————–

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’

 

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’

‘Twelve thirty.’

————————————————————–

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

————————————————————–

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

————————————————————–

Get the PDF Version to Send to all your Friends and Family at:

Old Men Jokes.pdf

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Vacation Travel Stationery Downloads

Author: Wes | Filed under: FREE Stationery Wednesday Jul 23,2008

FREE Digital Stationery Downloads in the Travel or Vacation section... also great for digital scrapbook background pages.Kathy just finished loading the new FREE digital travel and vacation stationery downloads for you.

These ones have a boating or cruise theme to them.

You’ll find that they are in PDF, MS Word template format and as a simple .JGP image that you can use to create your own stationeries and/or digital computer scrapbook page backgrounds with.

We’ll be working on the Lion, Tiger, Cougar and BIG CAT stationery and scrapbook page backgrounds later today.  We’ll see if we can get them posted for you before the weekend.

Hope you got a chance to see the BIG CAT photos we posted as an update to the Lion Loose Near Our Home article.  Kathy had a great birthday and totally loved being around the tigers, cougars, leapards, lions and other exotic animals that they had at the preserve.

Have a great journaling day…

Kathy and Wes

P.S.  Here’s the link to the Travel Stationery Section for you:  Travel Stationery Downloads  The new stationeries are on Travel Page 2.

Last little note:

 

Do your TWITTER?

 

If so, you can keep up with what Kathy and I are up do off and on throughout the day by following www.twitter.com/scrapbooks

 

 

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Lion Loose Near our House Photo Update…

Author: Wes | Filed under: Site Information Sunday Jul 20,2008

Hi,

Today, July 20th is Kathy’s birthday.  So, we got up early and headed out to take a tour of the wild lion preserve that we just found out is only 10 minutes from our home just east of Colorado Springs.

The people of “Big Cats of Serenity Springs” were great, and the tour was not only educational, but quite fun.  We got some great photos to turn into scrapbook pages and digital stationery for you all.

African Lion from the Big Cats of Serenity Springs just east of Colorado Springs.Here’s one of the lions they have.  This is the big guy that you see in the King Sooper’s Grocery Store commercial walking through the meat department…

You are welcome to click on the image for a larger view in a new window.

This was at 9am and it was already over 80 degrees out.  But, most of the big cats came out to greet us anyway.

Most of these cats have been rescued from illegal private owners, magic acts and retired film animals.  Even so, you can understand why these big cats are not to be trusted.

Even our volunteer tour guide that has been helping out at the preserve for years doesn’t go inside the cages.

They also have North American native cats such as this Cougar.  He was resting comfortably in the shade, but kept a keen eye on us… especially the young children in the group.North American Cougar from the Big Cats of Serentiry Springs near Colorado Springs.

It’s very clear now why the rangers in areas where the big cats are present tell you to keep your young children between you and not to let them run and play on their own.  This cat became very vigalent when one of the babies began crying.  While they have mostly been raised around humans and are very well fed, the natural instincts do take over from time to time.

Again, just click on the image if you wish to see a larger version in a new window.

Can you see the concentration in his eyes as he watches the small child?

Last one for today…

White Tiger at the Big Cats of Serenity Springs near Colorado Springs.This white Tiger was one that Mike Tyson used to own and spar with.  One day, as the story goes, he decided to spar with the big cat alone without his handler.  The cat took Mike Tyson down and pined him to the floor with Mike’s head in his mouth.  The cat wasn’t trying to hurt him, she was just doing what she would do with one of her cubs in the wild who got a little unruley.  She held him down and was telling him to be good.

After Mike was rescued, it made for a great story.  Unfortunately, he told it to a sports writer who published it in an article on Mike Tyson.  Mike was applying for a license to keep the cats.  Well, as you can imagine, once the story hit the media, there was no way the license was going to be approved and Mike’s cats came to live at Serenity Springs.

Bottom line, if you are ever around Colorado Springs, give the folks at the Big Cats of Serenity Springs a call and make arrangements for a tour.  You’ll be so glad you did and you’ll be helping a great cause at the same time.

If you would like to make a donation, here’s the link to their website:

http://www.bigcatsofserenitysprings.org/

They could really use your help in building more and updated shelters along with providing large livestock tanks for the cats to swim in.

If you live in the Colorado Springs area, they take meat and fish donations every day to help offset the 10 pounds per cat per day that they need to feed these big cats.

Look for the new stationery and scrapbook background pages coming in the next few days…

Happy Birthday Kathy!

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Why Keep a Journal?

Author: Wes | Filed under: FREE Stationery, Training Monday Jul 14,2008

Why keep a journal or a diary? Here are just a few of the many advantages and benefits.

Whether you write a few lines or a couple of pages, only through journaling do you record and track both the events and the emotions you felt during your life. Let’s face it, you can only remember so much and you forget so much more. With your journal or diary, you can actually see what you were thinking at that moment in time because your thoughts and experiences are right there to jog your memory. When you commit to writing down the events and your emotional feelings, you have put your thoughts, emotions and experiences into a solid reference form… something that will tell your generations to come who you really were and how you felt.

Below are some more examples of the benefits of keeping a journal.

Journaling reduces stress – Journaling is a proven outlet for the thing in life that cause us stress. The true benefit of getting it all out of us and onto our stationery is that of reducing the stress. Once you’ve tried journaling life’s stressful events, you don’t carry as much with you on your shoulders or within you. It is on the paper stationery or in the digital computer stationeries. By journaling, you give yourself a very powerful form of self-expression, and you’ll find that it’s through that expression you find clarity, release, and your calm.

Journaling to set goals and problem resolutions – As humans, it is only as we put our words on stationery paper in physical form that we begin to finally see and to better understand what it is that we truly want. Then, and only then, do we see what is most important to us, and how we really feel about things in our lives. Journaling is one method to help us do that. Once you can get your thoughts, ideas and plans down on paper, it’s easy to create your goals and find the resolutions to your problems at hand. Then, it’s simple to support what you are thinking by writing about what you need to do.

Journaling to organize our messy lives – We talked above about journaling your goals and putting in writing what you want to accomplish for the day, the month, the year, or within your lifetime. This is also an excellent tool to help you get all those things done. Simply create a personal checklist on a clean page of “things to do.” Be sure and place deadlines next to them… it helps us accomplish more with less wasted time.

Journaling helps keep our focus – You’ll find that the act of writing in a journal creates more personal awareness of both our feelings and everything we have going on around us. This increased awareness is what keeps your focus on the issues and tasks that are most important to you.

Journaling as a time for just you – Spending time that you set aside for yourself to journal is quality ME TIME! Everyone needs a little time to themselves, especially busy moms and dads. Taking just a few minutes a day to add to your journal can make you feel better by gaining the benefit you feel from doing something specifically for yourself.

The simple journaling process:

You can start your journal on any day of the year, it doesn’t have to be the beginning of the week either. Journaling is something you can start today – the sooner you start, the fewer the memories and emotions you have to lose. You can always stop tomorrow and pick up again next week or next year. You can start and stop as often as you want. You can skip a day at any time… It is your journal. But, it takes 21 to 30 days to make a habit, so you may want to block off just 10 minutes each day, maybe just before bed, for the next month and commit to recording your daily thoughts and feelings.

Journal entries should record the day, date and year, tracking your life. When keeping your personal journal, you’ll want to record as many of your experiences, dreams, ideas, desires, thoughts and more each day as you can find the words for. You’ll find it’s a great tool for reflecting on now, as well as in the future. You are telling your life’s story to yourself. Don’t miss any of the good stuff 😉

You’ll soon find that your journal has become one of your most treasured keepsakes. Just add a few photos and you know have a written life’s story scrapbook. After all, your journal is a catalog of your memories and feelings. Over not too much time, your memories become an irreplaceable treasure trove that can be passed on years from now, if you wish, to your children or others you want to know who you truly are.

Don’t forget that Journals are also great gifts for friends, and especially for close family. So, if you’ve never journaled before, consider starting. If you have journaled, but gave it up, look back on what you used to accomplish and consider starting a journal again. Even if your handwriting is no longer legible, digital stationery journals are the next best thing… and the digital stationery pages can be printed on your printer in as many copies as you need.

About the author:

Wes Waddell is a father of two, grandfather of 5 and owns www.Free-Stationery.com and it’s parent site www.1-Computer-Stationery.com. Hundreds of FREE Stationery templates in multiple formats along with FREE Training on how to create your own custom digital stationeries usine FREE Software.

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Lion Loose Near Our Home!

Author: Wes | Filed under: FREE Stationery, Site Information Sunday Jul 13,2008

Hi Stationery and Scrapbook Friend,

We had quite the scare yesterday and most of today around here. Someone reported seeing a real lion just a few minutes from our house and got a blurry photo of it.

We had the police, the zoo and animal control along with lots of guns and helicopters swarming the area until late this afternoon when the finally called off the search.

As it turns out, we have a wild animal preserve just a few miles east of our house that we didn’t even know was there… it’s pretty spread out here east of Colorado Springs.

The good news is that after analyzing the image and enhancing it as much as they could, it turned out to most likely be a large dog. The wild life preserve counted all their cats 4 times just to be sure, but none of them were missing.

So, the only big cats we had turned out to be the ones we have in our digital scrapbook Animals category on PrincessCrafts.com.

Now we can go back to walking in the afternoons again…

Before you go and since I don’t want to send out another message when I can combine them all…

Kathy just finished uploading the new “Down By The Sea” hi-res digital scrapbook kits on www.ScrapbookKitsnBits.com for you. Just go to the Catalog and look at the newly added kits near the bottom of the page.

For our Gold and Platinum Members; Kathy also just added Journaling sets 41 through 43 in the Heritage Category, Retirement sets 4 through 6 in the Special Occasions Category, Sports 21 through 23 and Summer 52 through 54 to both the 12×12 and the 8.5×11 Members Areas.

Members can find the new sets on their recently added page inside their members areas. If you’re not a member, but still would like to take a look, check out the thumbnails at: www.PrincessCrafts.com

One last note to all our members…

There’s 6 new Travel Stationeries (476 through 481) at no cost waiting for you at: www.Free-Stationery.com. They make fantastic digital scrapbook page background too!

That’s all we got for you this week,

Kathy and Wes

www.Free-Stationery.com

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Kids Entertainment Ideas For Summer

Author: kwaddell | Filed under: Training, Uncategorized Friday Jul 11,2008

I loved this idea so much!  I just had to spread the word.

Kids Build Their Own Websites!!!

I know that every summer it’s trouble keeping your kids entertained.  Yea, they’re happy as can be for the first couple of weeks…  then the complaining starts and soon, you’re at your wits end.

Well, here’s an idea that can keep them occupied for hours a day, all summer long.

Get the full details right where I found them on the BLOG:

Details on getting your kids their own website.

More tips as I find them…

Kathy and Wes

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